Mixed Emotions

So, it's been a while since I've last posted anything. There is no specific reason for that, just that I simply haven't done it. I love to write, and I love to blog. It is one thing that I have always found theraputic for me. Just sit and write, and I could for a long time. I don't know that my thoughts would make sense, but it would help me none the less. :-)

Things are well here. The new year has begun with little activity. Not much has been going on really. We've had our bouts with illness. Jacob had a double ear infection, and Dylan had strep and an infection on his stomach. All that has cleared up, and now Dylan has a cough. Uggggggghhh!! Such is life I suppose. I do monitor Dylan when he gets sick with coughs or breathing problems, because we almost lost him as a baby to RSV. He was horribly sick, and that is something that I never want to face again. (We won't have to, as he is to old now.) I feel for any parent that has a child that has to go through that nasty virus. It almost took Dylan away from us. So, needless to say that when he gets sick like that, I keep a close eye on him. I don't think it's anything major though, so that's good. Outside of illness, the new year has been un-eventful.

Chris and I are ready to be back in the ministry again, and we know that the Lord will lead us in the direction that we need to be in when the time is right. I realized something the other day that put things into reality. It was a year ago that we thought about leaving our old Church, and going somewhere else. The Lord chose to hold us there for 8 months, before He moved us on. I think that our flesh always wants things to happen right now!! We don't want to wait, we want it NOW, and sometimes The Lord says: No MY child, you have to wait. And in reality, that is where we are now.

Waiting....I am OK with waiting though, because I realize that the Lord is using that time to heal my heart. And as much as I am ready to minister to people again, if now isn't the time, then that's OK as well. My true love, and passion is to minister to teens again. Oh I miss the teens so much!! I LOVED every minute of it, ministering to them, watching them grow, and blossom. It hurt so deep having to walk away from that. Leaving them, and knowing that I couldn't help them anymore, that they were out of my hands hurt deeper than any pain I've ever felt. Then the Lord reminded me that He loves them more, and He will take care of them. They aren't abandoned, He will help them.

It's taken me a while to realize that it's OK to hurt, but it's not OK to live that pain day in and day out. For a while there, that is what I was doing. Living, breathing, walking, functioning (or not), with the pain that had happened!! That was not OK. That was not pleasing to the Lord. But oh the pain we felt. Being betrayed, our name dragged through the mud, my husband being torn to shredds, all by a "man of God" , what a shame.

I was talking to Chris the other day, and I told him that what happened to us out there was NOT OK!! I was so tired of everbody saying it's OK, and there's nothing you can do about it. No!! It's not OK. It's not OK that he spread lies, vicous rumours, and said hurtful things, slandered, threatened, etc., our names, and our lives. IT'S NOT OK. I realize that getting angry about it though, will not help me. God will take care of the man that did this, and I realized that I had to give it to God 100%, and my life will be better for it.

So I've worked through a lot this year. Knowing that my turn (our turn) in the ministry will be right around the corner again, and I look forward to that day again. Ministering to people again...WOW!! How refreshing that will be. It seems like it's been forever, and I know that it hasn't, but it feels that way.

Sometimes you have to listen to that still small voice that says: WAIT MY CHILD. I will wait, and I will be patient, no matter how hard that will be on some days, that's what the Lord wants, and I need to obey Him. He will lead me on the path that I need to be on, that WE need to be on.

So I am done for now. Hopefully this all made sense, not to sure if I could put all my thoughts together for them to make sense, but I tried and that is all that matters. I really am going to try to be more faithful in this, and blog more often. We'll see how that goes. It's a new year...Anything can happen. :-)

Bittersweet Feelings

Well tonight as I sit here, my friend is in the hospital getting ready to have a baby. I am so happy for her, this is her dream come true, but at the same time, it's bittersweet for me.

I don't want to be selfish in my way of thinking, and I realize that maybe I am being a little bit selfish, but for the past 5 years, all I have wanted is another baby. I lost a baby 5 years ago, and since then I have had the desire to have another one. I know that I am so blessed right now, with my two boys, and I don't take that for granted at all. God has been good to me, and I realize that He has trusted my husband and I with our boys, and I am so grateful for that. There are just days when I want another baby.

Most of the time I am OK with it, and I am OK with not having another one, but there are times when it hits me, and I want another one. I realize that I need to be thankful for all that the Lord has given me, and I don't want to sound un-grateful, I guess it's just the women in me that wants more. Who knows...maybe it's the Lord's way of telling me not to have anymore, I don't know.

So as I pray for my friend that she will have a healthy delivery, I pray that the Lord will mend my heart as well. I want to be happy for her, and I am. I wish her all the best, and I know that she will make a wonderful mom. =) It's just left me feeling...bittersweet...

Reflecting and realizations =)

Well I realize that it has been a while, but as you all know...time can get away from you. All the hype over the Holidays, and then just like that, it's over.

I cannot believe that it is 2007 already!! Where does the time go? I really don't know where the past 10 years since I have been out of High School have gone. I am astonished that it's even been 10 years since High School, I cannot believe that at all. Time flies when you're having fun, and I can honestly say that I've enjoyed the last 10 years that's for sure.

My husband and I are getting ready to celebrate our 9 year wedding anniversary, and that doesn't seem possible, but it is. I am so EXCITED about that, I really am. Every year gets better and better (or as he would say...gooder and gooder LOL). He is the Love of my life, and I am so extremely happy to be married to him. He makes me so happy every day, and I realize that I am so blessed and lucky to have such a wonderful husband. God was so good to me when he brought him into my life!!

As the new year came around (and not that we are to far into it), I started realizing a lot of things. Nothing major, just little things. I realized that people, no matter how old they are, can still be so childish, and I don't really like that. You would think that as adults, you would be past the whole I'm not talking to you things, but sometimes you just come across people that aren't past that. I guess I have to realize that if they are like that with me, then I just have to give them over to the Lord and allow Him to take care of it. As much as it bothers me, and it is one of my pet peeves, I have to give it to God and allow Him to take care of it. It isn't in my control anyway.

I also realized that 2007 I had to make a change in my life for the Lord. For the first time in a long time, I've read my Bible every day, and not only that, I'm getting things from it!! I am remembering what I am reading, and retaining some knowledge of it. I am so happy with myself for that. For years I have wanted that, and I realized that this was the year that things in my life had to change, and I was the only one that could make that change. God is so good to me, and I realized that I wasn't getting enough from Him. There was answers to so many things that I just wasn't picking up, and getting. The Bible has all the answers in life that I need, and I wasn't reading it. Shame on me!! Praise the Lord that we serve a God of second, third, fourth, etc., chances. He was wanting me to read His Word, and I chose not to...shame on me. But!! He never gave up on me, and He is still there with open arms. How AWESOME!!

I also realized how old my kids were getting. They are 8 &7 now, and I don't know where the time has gone. Where have my babies gone? They are getting older, and maturing, and I don't know where the time has gone. I want to cherish every minute that I can with them, because before I know it, they will be out of my house, and on their own. WOW!! What a scary thought. My little guys on their own...I better not rush anything, right?!

Well I guess that is all of my reflections and my realizations. Nothing major just a few things that I've realized. I hope that everyone's New Year is finding them well. God Bless!!

Christmas is almost here!! Yeah

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So Thanksgiving has come and gone, and I'm OK with that. Actually I normally like Thanksgiving, but this year I was so sick. I ended up with the stomach flu (or at least that's what we think it is....) I was sick all night on Thanksgiving, I didn't even get to enjoy food...so sad. The saddest part of all.....I DID'T GET TO GO SHOPPING ON FRIDAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I could have done without other things, but not getting to go shopping, now that is what I was sad about. I always look forward to going shopping, I prayed for nice weather (and God provided), I had people to go with, and that was all we talked about for 2 weeks, and I didn't even get to go. I was so bummed about it. It was so sad. Well that's all done with now, there is nothing that I can do about it.

So yesterday even though I was still sick, the tree still went up!!

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I actually don't put the tree up, I couldn't it's too big, but hubby got it up and got the lights on it,and the garland put on it. It was then up to the boy's and I to get the ornaments on the tree. So I let them put the ornaments on, and I only fixed a couple. We put the candy canes on, and that was it.

So often we get so wrapped up in the whole buying presents, and rushing here and there. Going from one family to the next, visiting this person and that person, sometimes we need to stop, and truly celebrate

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all that the Lord has done for us. The Lord has done so much for us, and we often forget all that he has done. I am so thankful for all that the Lord has done for me, and I want this year to be a better year for me. I want to celebrate what the Lord has done for me and what the Lord has given me.

So in this time of year I encourage you all to be Thankful for what the Lord has done, enjoy your family time, don't get caught up in Keeping with the Jones' and above all have a Happy Holiday season!!

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In my 27....almost 28 years of life.....I can remeber my father calling me....ONCE....until now!!

So yesterday started out like any normal day, until about 8:30 AM. The phone rang, as I look at the caller ID, I was amazed at the number that I saw. It was my Father!!!! I couldn't believe it, it wasn't possible. There was no way, that the man that wanted nothing to do with me my whole life was calling me...it just didn't seem right.

Well for sure it was him, there was no doubt there. I still was in shock. He talked as if nothing had happened, as if the years that have gone by with no contact was no big deal. I still don't even know why it was that he called me. I wrote him a letter last week, and he said that he got it, and so he thought that he would give me a call. WHAT?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!? That's not right. I wanted to tell him....Who are you and what did you do with my father??!!

I am truly amazed that he called, but yet at the same time...what an answer to prayer. I prayed the day that I mailed that letter that the Lord would allow it to work on my father's heart, and it looks like it did. What a mighty God we serve!! He truly answered my prayers, and I pray that through this, that maybe my father and I can talk more often.

The greatest thing to me is that even though I don't really talk to my earthly father that much, I can talk to my Heavenly Father all I want!! He is ALWAYS there for me. He cares about my hurts and pains, and concerns.

I am not going to expect anything from my father, but I can pray that things will progress into a relationship of some sort, although I surely won't hold my breath for that. I am leaving it all in God's hands, and allowing Him to guide me through this. Only the Lord knew this was going to happen, and so I know that He knows what will take place from here on out.

Yesterday was a good day overall. I am still today in shock that he called me. I didn't belive that it was real. WOW....What a mighty God we serve!!

This....That....And The Other....

I know it's been a while, and I couldn't even really tell you why. I have so much that I want to say, and so much that I could say, and yet I simply don't write it down. I guess for fear of what might come out, or might be said. And although I am sure that it is safe to say that nobody really reads this, the one time that I would write something down, is the time that I would regret what I said. I'm sure we all understand what it is that I am talking about.

Things are going pretty well actually. My family and I are at a new Church, and it is a breath of fresh air...Literally. We felt trapped for so long, and like we couldn't breathe, now we are at a Church where the Love of The Lord is taught, and it's AMAZING!! It's great to finally hear messages of God's Love, and how God wants us to be. Instead of always hearing how horrible we are as people, and we just let the Lord down, and we are no good. Etc., Etc., Etc.... I was really getting tired of feeling run down. I literally got to the point where I didn't want to go to Church anymore. I didn't want to see anybody, and I didn't want to walk through the Church doors. I had such a wounded spirit, I was so hurt. Deep down inside I felt broken...I had no answers, and I just had to fake it there for a while. You want people to believe that it's great and there is nothing wrong, and so while you are dealing with people you just make it look like everything is OK, and then when you get behind closed doors, you break down. I can tell you that the Lord heard me A LOT crying out to Him, asking, begging Him for help. It was almost as if I was tired of wandering in the desert, and asking the Lord...How much longer Lord??!! I can't do this much longer....Deliver me!! And He did!!

I didn't expect my journey with my husband in the ministry to be as eventful as it has been, but I know that I wouldn't take it back for anything. I know that this is the Lord's way of teaching us how to do things, and how NOT to do things. I have learned a lot, and I realize now more than ever that people are just looking to be loved. People want to hear that the Lord loves them, and yes sin is sin, and that needs to be taught, but NOT shoved down people's throats. The reason that I know that I can say that, is because that is what I want, what I need.

We have truly gone through A LOT the past couple of months, and I wish that I could sit here and say that it is over, but sadly I can't do that. The lies, rumors, etc., are still going on, and they don't look like they will end. If it's not one thing, it's another. It amazes me that one man can run his mouth till he is blue in the face, and think that it's OK, and call himself a man of God. Our former Pastor has done more harm than good, and it is really annoying. The Bible says to pray for your enemies, and that is exactly what I'm doing. I pray for him all the time. My biggest prayer is that the Lord will move him on. Away from here, and away from the people that he has hurt the most. One day he will realize the pain that he has caused people, and he will learn that he did more harm than good in a lot of people's lives.

I just praise the Lord every day for leading us to our new Church. The Pastor there is AWESOME!! He understands where Chris and I are coming from, both he and his wife have been there. They have compassion, and they are OK with allowing us to heal, which is exactly what we need. I know that if I were to go somewhere right now, and teach people, I'd be absolutely no good to anyone. My pain is so deep, but with the Lord's help, I am getting through this. Yes, it's been a journey, and I know that I'm not done yet, but I am learning as I go.

I have to say that through this all, my husband has been my HERO!! Outside of the Lord, my husband is my hero, my all. On earth he is the one that I follow, and he has not led me and our family astray. He is so strong, and mighty, and I admire everything about him. Through everything that has happened, and all the attacks that he has had to face in the past couple of months (and let me tell you there has been a lot, and they are bad!) he always has such a sweet spirit, and over and over he tells me that it is going to be OK. I know that it is going to be OK, and I know that the Lord is going to work it all out, and I trust the Lord to do that. I thank the Lord every day for my husband!! He is the best, and I am beyond blessed to be married to him. He gives me so much strength, especially when I just want to quit. He lifts me up, and he picks me up when I fall, and he won't let me quit. My prayer is that I can be as strong as he is one day.

Well I guess that has been my life in a nutshell. I am looking forward to the Holidays, and I cannot believe that Thanksgiving is right around the corner. Turkey, dressing, pumpkin pie, it's all next week. (let's all remember what there is to be thankful for in this life!!) That just doesn't seem possible. Next week, the day after Thanksgiving, we will be putting up our Christmas tree, and hanging the lights, putting up our stockings, and I get to put out ALL my snowmen!! That is so great. I am an avid snowman collector, and I cannot wait to bring them all back out, plus all the new ones that I have gotten. I am looking forward to it all.

I am off for now. I am going to try and blog more often, it would probably help me if I would. It lets me get a lot of things off my chest, and that is a good thing. Sometimes if you just write it out, then you feel better, and I can honestly say that I do feel better now. So TTFN :-)

Having an Eeyore kind of day

Do you ever have those days where you just feel sad?? Drained?? Worthless?? Well I am having one of those days today. I feel like Eeyore, where he's there, but he still doesn't feel like he fits in.

So much has been going on the past couple of months, and you try to tell yourself to get past it, don't let it bother you, ignore the things that are being said, but yet there are times that you can't.

Today is one of those days where I have been somewhat replaying things in my mind. I am sure that is something that I shouldn't be doing, but I am flesh, and it happens. I am so mad at certain things, and even certain people. Horrible awful things have been said about my husband, and there are people out there who are stupid enough to believe them, it's unreal to me. Even some people who said they were our "friends" have believed the lies of one man. It's amazing to me when someone KNOWS that the person who told them this lie, is known for his evil ways, and his lies, and yet they still believed him. AMAZING!!!!!!

Why is it when you walk away from a situation, and you try to move on with your life, that there is always something that seems to hold you back? I know that the devil plays a lot into things, but I really feel at the end of my rope almost. I am so tired, emotionally drained, and there are days that I simply want to give up. Then I realize that the Lord is right there, and He wants to help me through my problems, and I need to let Him. It just feels as though there are times when nothing is going to change, and nothing is going to happen, and people are just going to run their mouths, because they think it's the right thing to do. People don't care that it's wrong, and that they are gossiping, and spreading false truths. No....that doesn't matter.

I am so annoyed with people. Not everyone, just certain people. It's a good thing that the Bible says to pray for your enemies otherwise I'd be in a lot of trouble. I have prayed and prayed for these people, and I hope that the Lord answers my prayers. I know He will, it's all just a matter of time.

We are at a new Church now, and it's been very helpful. The Pastor there is wonderful, and he preaches the Word of God with love, and compassion. I no longer have to worry about what negative thing is going to be said, and I don't feel horrible when I go to Church anymore. It's been refreshing to be there, but yet at the same time, I almost feel as though I don't fit in. Yes, I know people there, and that's great and nice, but there is still something there. It's not something that I can explain, and I am happy going there, there's just something....The Lord knows my heart and He knows that I love going there, and I love the Pastor there, and I know that I have to use this time to heal, before I move on anywhere.

So on this sad, dreary day I'm off. It felt good to get things off my chest....Sometimes you have to do that to make yourself feel better. I know that things will pick up, and get better, it's all just a matter of time.

Reflections

Someone had sent me a picture the other day and it was of me and my husband 10 years ago at my senior prom!! I could not believe that they had this picture. I was really amazed that anyone had it. I was sure that only family and I had it, guess not.You know, how you can remember looking at your parents pictures, and thinking how goofy they look, well I can't help but think that is what my kids will think. Look at my husband's glasses, thank goodness for contacts (right babe?)....Too funny. So yes....the picture above is of me and my husband 10 years ago. I think that we were already engaged there in this picture if I'm not mistaken.

Now here we are. Married for 8 years, going on 9. We have two beautiful children, and a baby up in Heaven that we will get to see one day. We have a house, and a nice car, but all that fails in comparrison to what we have together. We have a marriage that is based on what the Lord wants for our lives. We have learned to base our marriage on the Lord. It took us a few years to get to that point, but we are there, and things are GREAT. We have both worked hard to have a relationship like we have now. It's been a lot of sacrifice, but it is sooooooo worth it!! You hear people say that marriage is 50-50, but it's not, it's 100-100!! You both have to give it all you've got, or you won't make it anywhere.

So 10 years later I can say that I am happier than I've ever been. I am married to the best guy ever. He leads me and his family in the way of the Lord, and that is what matters most. God was so good to me, and I thank the Lord all the time for giving me the best husband!! *BABY I LOVE YOU WITH ALL MY HEART (or as we say, as much of my heart as I can). I THANK THE LORD FOR YOU, AND THANK YOU FOR ALL THAT YOU DO FOR ME AND FOR YOUR FAMILY!!!!

Through all the hurt and pain in life....God's love is....PERFECT!!

I realize that it has been a very long time since I have been on here, and I am so sorry for that. I don't know who really takes the time to read my blog (outside of a few people), but this is mainly to help me vent.

So many things have gone on in the past 2 months. You talk about a rollercoaster, I have been on the biggest one of my life recently. I cannot begin to tell anyone the pain, sorrow, anguish, etc....that I have felt. In the past few months, I realized that if it wasn't for God's love, and grace, I don't know where I'd be.

It all began when my husband was canidating for a Church in Burkburnett, TX. We went there to see if that is where the Lord would lead us. While we were there, my husbands name was being dragged through the mud up here. He had just recently resigned his position at the Church that he was the Assistant/Youth Pastor at, because he realized that he (or we) could no longer support the leadership and where his direction was going. Therefore he resigned...Long story short, we should have walked away sooner. So, while we were in Texas, and while he is Preaching at this Church, seeing if this is where the Lord would have us, all you know what is breaking loose up here. Phone call after phone call is what we were getting, about what was going on here. We decide that that Church is not where we need to be when we come back from Texas, and determine in our minds to move on, and walk away....QUITELY.

Well in the process of all that was going on here, other members of the Church realized that it was also their time to leave. (*Side note-During this time, the Church here was having a tent meeting, with services every night.*) So, during everything going on, more people realize that the Lord is closing the door on their staying there. So, all in total, 5 families walked away. Well through all this, slander and degrading, it was all my husbands fault. AMAZING!! Biblically he did nothing wrong. My husband did it all the way that it was supposed to be done, and we did nothing wrong!!

So, then we find out a week later on a Sunday night that he didn't get the Church.....basically due to slander from the Pastor here!! I was OUTRAGED!! Never, NEVER have I felt so much pain, hurt, sorrow. I literally threw my hands up in the air that night, and told my husband- "If this is what the ministry is...You can keep it. I'm done!!"

We've faced a few battles since that. We also realize that us not getting that Church in TX was the Lord's will, and that He was protecting us from something that could have been horrible. We were prepared for if they said no, we just weren't prepared for the reason it happened. The battles that have come since then haven't been as bad, but they were still battle none the less.

Through this all, we have seen some families come closer to the Lord, and that is so AWESOME!! We have now found a Church here in town, where the Pastor is welcoming us with open arms, and Praise the Lord for it. He is a good guy, and has love and compassion for families, people, and kids. TO GOD BE THE GLORY!!

I realize now also, that this is not what the ministry is about. God is so much more than judgemental. He is a God of love and compassion, and I am finding my way back to Him. I realize that I have strayed from Him, and that is not where I need to be. God is so loving to me, and when I feel as though I can't go on anymore, it's almost as if I feel His arms around me, and saying It's OK, I am here for you, and WE will make it through this. God and His love for me is so personal right now. I am so glad that I realize that it will all be alright, and that He loves me through it all.

I have to say that one of my biggest joys right now (aside from the Lord and what He has done for me) is my husband!! I know that I always say that, but it is so true! He has shown the Love of God at times when the flesh is all that showed in me. He kept on, and he kept the faith. He made me see that God isn't abandoning us, and that He will see us through. I absolutely love my husband for all that he has done for me and our family. He is such a strong man, and I admire him so much!! (I LOVE YOU BABY!!)

So that is my life in a nutshell right now. I will try to be better about updating. I think things will be getting better soon, and that's a good thing. My broken toe is still healing, although it's a lot better. My mom is moving out the begining of next month, and that's about it really.

Sharing My Heart

Well it's says share your heart, and that's what I am going to do. I am still finding myself on this wonderful rollercoaster of life. Although this rollercoaster seems to have more downs than it does ups right now. When will this ride end?? Can I get off now?? This sure isn't one of those 60 second rides, and then your off.... Nope.... Not this one. This rollercoaster keeps on going and going (kind of like the Energizer bunny). First was my husband having surgery, (poor husband) he recovered quickly from that, Praise the Lord!! He only had one complication and that was his stitches coming open, but even that healed quickly. As soon as he was feeling better, I fell and broke my toe. I still cannot believe that I did that, but yes....it happened. It took me a while to heal from it, but I am finally starting to feel better and can walk 'normal' which is a blessing. I was tired of walking with the shoe that I was given, not to mention, that it wasn't cute at all. After I fell, my boys got sick. They both were running high fevers, after taking them both to the Dr. you come to find out, that it was just a virus....imagine that!! When all else fails, trust the good old virus. Thankfully that only lasted a few days with both of them. Now the whole family is on the mend......physically.

Emotionally....well I guess that is where the rollercoaster really comes in. Who knew that being in the ministry could be so draining?? I knew that it would be rough, and I realize that, but it sure can take a toll on you. The emotions that you get from being in the ministry are amazing. Right now is a rough time for my husband and I. Trying to find out if the Lord wants us here where we are right now, or is it time to move on? We both feel as though it is time to move on, now the grander question is, where do you go?? The verse in the Bible that says Wait on the Lord, is truly applying to my life right now. I am waiting on the Lord and I know that He is going to lead us on the right path. When do you take that leap of faith and say OK God I'll go, just tell me where to go. I know in my heart that we aren't supposed to be here anymore, and I am ready to move on, but it is a sit and wait game right now. The Lord has really changed my view on things and how they are supposed to be.

I realize that my biggest support right now is my husband. Praise the Lord for my husband. He is my rock, and I truly depend on him. He is always there for me, and I love him with all my heart. Next to the Lord is my everything. I do everything for him, and there is nothing wrong with that in my eyes. He loves me unconditonally even with all my flaws. (Yes that's right....I'm not perfect...big shock right??) He is my biggest supporter, and my companion. Have we always been close and so in love?? No... but we vowed 6 years ago that we would let God be the center of our relationship, and since then it has been a great marriage!! He brings me so much joy and happiness. And he is the head of the household that the Lord has commanded him to be. He leads our family in the right paths, and the way that we should go. I hope for everyone that they can one day find a love like my husband and I have. That is my wish for everyone. For you Honey: I LOVE YOU WITH ALL MY HEART!! Thank you for being there for me. And like you said on your blog- I know that I have a good thing as well. Love you sweetheart!!!!

And..... I broke my toe!!

Yes, I broke my toe!! I still can't believe that I did it, but it's real. Monday I went into the bathroom and the kids had just gotten out of the bath, and water was on the floor. Needless to say, I found the water, slid in it, and nailed my foot on the bottom of the toliet. I didn't cry or anything. I sat there thinking, did this really happen?? Sure enough it did. So I had to call husband and work and tell him... I think I broke my toe. Well in the process of it all, I tried to see if I could wiggle it. I tried with my fingers, and when I did that, it popped back into place. That is when I knew I broke it. So we went to the ER, and they did the whole x-ray thing, and yes it was broken. So now I have to walk with the coolest shoe ever.....NOT!!!! It is a shoe that keeps my toes straight, because I can't bend them. Hopefully I will be out of it soon. This could not have happened at a worse time either. I broke it Monday, and on Tuesday we were taking our teens to an amusement park. Yes, you guessed it, I was in a wheel chair all day!! Talk about the Lord keeping you humble. For my husband it was him having surgery and having to walk in a hospital gown in front of Church members. For me it was being pushed around an amusement park by my husband and another friend of ours. Although I have to say that my husband has been great!!! He has gone above and beyond to make sure that I am comfortable, and he has been super helpful!! I LOVE YOU BABY!!!!!!!!! So I guess that is all for now. Nothing to interesting is going on here right now. That is all I have for today. :)

Blogging....sometimes it is a stress relief

Here is my blog for today. It is a nice cloudy, rainy, day today, and I am OK with that. Last night it stormed pretty heavy, and we were a close family through the night. By that I mean, both the boys thought that they should climb into bed with my husband and I, because they were afraid. I can't say that I blame them, some of the thunder was pretty loud, and it scared me too. The storm passed, and we put them back to bed, only to be wakened an hour or so later to another storm, although this one didn't wake the kids up, Praise the Lord!! It was a long night for me especially. I really don't sleep much anymore, I keep telling my husband that sleep is over rated, although I don't really think that's true.

So many things have been going on, and I normally stay awake at night praying, and thinking. Well that was me last night. Hubby went to sleep, and I stayed up. I watched some TV, and then I just turned it off, and laid there. I probably shouldn't ponder so many things while I am laying in bed at night, but I can't help it. It is the only time when the kids aren't playing, or screaming, etc., there isn't any noise, nothing, and so it is peaceful, and you can think. So I layed there last night and I prayed for so many things.

I want something to change in my life in the area of Church and serving the Lord. Yes, I am faithful to the Lord now, and I enjoy that, and that is the way that it should be, but I want MORE. Last night was a rough night for hubby at Church. Our Pastor is out of town, and he Preached his heart out, and he felt as though he didn't get anywhere. I told him that wasn't true, but I don't really think it made a difference. I don't really think that I am helping my husband like I should be. He is so sad, and heartbroken right now, and there is nothing that I can do to help him. I hate feeling helpless. I know that the Lord is in control, and that He will take care of him, I just wish that there were more that I could do. I love my husband SOOOOOOOOO Much and I just wish that there were more to do to help him.









I want answers so badly, and yet they simply seem as if they aren't coming. I am sure that they will come, and I KNOW that they will, the big question is when?? How long do we have to wait? I didn't realize that the ministry could be so hard. We have been through a lot in the short time that we have been serving in the ministry. When I was younger I didn't think that I would be moving here and there, and going to different Churches. That wasn't what I was used too. I was used to staying at one Church and serving there. That is what I want right now. I want to find somewhere to serve and be there for a while. It is hard to see me staying where we are at right now, and staying under the Pastor that we are under now, because unless things change, I simply can't do it. I want some new doors to open up for us, and I pray that they do soon.

I guess the bottom line is, that I have to remain faithful to the Lord, and He will remain faithful to me. I know that all this pain will be taken away soon, the big question is when?? Until then though I remain safely In His Grip!!!!

Roller Coaster of life....going down....

You know in this life you realize that you are going to have ups and downs, and as much as you hate it, sometimes you have to go down to get back up. Very honestly though, I am ready to get off this ride that I am on right now! It seems as though I am on a ride that never ends. Why is it that you have to go through so many valleys to enjoy the mountaintops? I want to be on the mountaintops for a while before I have to go through another valley.

Things have been a little rough here lately. I have seen so many of the people that I love being hurt, and I don't like that at all. I want to be able to stop the pain, and make everything OK for them, but I can't. Only the Lord can do that, but it seems as though they have lost all their faith in the Lord, and that isn't right either. I think the thing that bothers me the most is having to see the man that I love going through pain, and being hurt.

I love my husband with all my heart, and I don't like to see him hurt at all. It makes me sad when he is hurting, and I can't fix things for him. He has just faced surgery a week ago, and is still recovering from that. Not to mention whatever is going on at the Church that he has to deal with. It really seems as though it is one thing after the other that is being piled on his plate, and you almost want to say...WHY LORD?? I just want to see my husband in the ministry and happy. He LOVES what he is doing now with working with the teens. They bring him so much joy, and that's wonderful. Being a Youth Pastor is one of the greatest things that has happened for him, and that makes me happy knowing that. I just wish that other things in the Church realm were better for him. If only I could take all his pain away, and if only I had all the answers...but I don't.

There is a song that Carrie Underwood sings called Jesus Take The Wheel, and the words of the chorus are so powerful to me, and explains often times the way that I am feeling.



Well that is all for me right now. We will see where this ride takes me next time.

Oh bother....

I truly feel like Winnie the Pooh right now...with no honey. Let me explain. We really have been dealing with a lot at our Church, and things don't really seem to be getting any easier. People are talking about leaving the Church and if that is what they feel like they have to do, to grow for the Lord then who are we?? I hate that people feel like that, because I know their hearts. Little by little I can see families slipping away from the Lord and that is NOT how it is supposed to be.

My husband and I ourselves have talked about leaving also, but with him being in the ministry, we can't really just pick up and leave. We've prayed and prayed and prayed, and the Lord doesn't seem to be showing us the way right now. And I know that the Lord hears our prayers, and our cries it says so in the Bible. Psa 27:7 Hear, O LORD, when I cry with my voice: have mercy also upon me, and answer me. So I know that the Lord hears my cries and my prayers, and I know that He will answer them, the question is when??

I simply do not understand the mind of our Pastor. I don't say that being rude, or cruel, or even trying to bad mouth him. I just don't get how his mind works. Chris had surgery yesterday to remove his gallbladder, and the whole time that he was up there, which was from 9 in the morning until 7 last night, our Pastor didn't stop by ONCE!! Not once...he didn't even call to make sure that he was OK or anything. I tried calling him 3 times at his house and Church with no answer. This is his assitant that is in the hospital, the one that works by his side, and he can't even come to see how he is doing?? It's not right. Especially when I KNOW that he goes to the hospital to visit this person or that person (who don't go to our Church), and he can't even come to see his own assistant?? I felt so bad for my husband, because that truly hurt his feelings. It was like our Pastor was telling him that he didn't care enough about him to go to the hospital. It's just not fair. I just hope that hubby will feel better soon and then we can move on...if that be the Lord's will.

So we pray and pray and one day the Lord will deliever us. And until then, we will remain faithful to Him, and allow Him to guide us in our lives. I never thought that the ministry could have so many ups and downs. I really didn't. I LOVE being in the ministry I don't want it to sound that way. I know that the Lord works miracles all the time and I know that working for the Lord is the best thing that we can do in our lives.

I just feel saddened by all that is going on. I just know that it is out of my hands and there is nothing that I can do about it. Even though I want to heal everybody, and take everyone's pain away, I know that I can't do that. I know that the Lord is in control, and I have to allow Him to take care of everyone. I just want this journey in the valley to be over with....

I just want to say how much I love my husband. He brings me so much joy and happiness, and he truly lifts my spirits while I am down. It amazes me that when I am down, he is always up and when he is down, I am up. The Lord is so great like that!! My hubby is a HUGE part of my life, and I live to serve him (and the Lord). I am so blessed to have such a great man of God in my life. I love him so much!!


Well that is all for me right now. I am off to go and take care of my hubby, hopefully he is asleep by now, he needs the rest to recover. Take care everbody, and Kristy...WELCOME BACK!!!!!

Happy Birthday America

Happy 4th of July to everybody! I hope that everyone is planning something fun for today, and in return that you will remember all that we have in America. I was thinking the other day how lucky we all are to live in America and to have all the freedoms that we have. While I was in El Paso, I had the chance to go to Juarez Mexico. While there I realized that we really and truly have the greatest life in America. We don't realize what we have until you go somewhere else and they don't have all that we are accustom too. It also made me VERY thankful for missionaries!! Praise the Lord that there are people who are willing to go to other countries and win souls to the Lord. I just know that I couldn't do it. I couldn't go over to another country, BUT I am more than willing to send missionaries to go. I love Missionaries and the work that they do. God Bless them for having a willing heart. So all in all, I guess the bottom line is that I am proud to be an American, and Happy Birthday America!!

Don't lose that fluttering feeling...

You know I was sitting here thinking and I don't know for the life of me how people fall out of love. I was listening to someone yesterday who said they have been married to long,and they lost that fluttering feeling that you get while you are with your spouse. I thought to myself how sad, how very, very sad. And he meant it too, this is someone who has been married for over 30+ years, but is still young, and he said that he doesn't have the feeling anymore.

That lead me to ask myself if I had lost that feeling, and the answer is NO!! That is not to say that I have always felt that way, BUT...I had to learn like a lot of people do how to love him again. This was when we first got married, and we were young. Why is it that after you get married, that everything stops? Is it because the guy got what he wanted and now he is done? I don't know what it is, but I do know that my husband and I learned how to be affectionate again, and I can honestly say that we still get that fluttering feeling. I love my husband with all my heart!!!!



He is absolutely the one that the Lord has for me. I have a lot of friends that have been married and are now divorced, and they wonder why. Why don't they have what I have, and they tell me that I wish I had what you have with Chris. Well the fact of the matter is, I waited and realized that I couldn't choose my mate (I tried that once, and made A TON of mistakes.) When I got saved, and I accepted the Lord as my Saviour, I realized that He was the one that had to pick my mate, not me. I think a lot of times that is how girls get themselves in trouble, is because they want to be with the man because he shows her the attention that she wants and or needs. When Chris and I got together, I told him that I wouldn't date him, or anything else if he wasn't going to go to Church. So he thought that he would play Church, and that is when the Lord got a hold of him. I want to tell all my friends that they had the same choices I did. We all grew up together, it is what you chose to do with your life. If you live for the flesh, then ultimately you will always fail. You cannot live for the flesh, you have to live for what the Lord wants in your life. Once you are saved, you aren't your own anymore.

All I know is that I love my husband with all my heart. He is absolutely the world to me. I am glad that the Lord has brought us to where we are today, and above all.... I am glad that I haven't lost that fluttering feeling!!!

Happy 4th of July...

I just wanted to wish everyone a Happy and safe 4th of July. It's such a good day to remember who we are, where we have come from, and where we are going. We aren't doing too much tomorrow. Just staying home, and having some friends over. Then I think we are going to grill hamburgers and hot dogs. Nothing big, just simple American cooking, or grilling I should say. I told my husband that I don't even really care about fireworks this year. If I see them fine and if not I really don't care. I am sure that isn't the right attitude to have, but that is how I feel. And I don't want to feel that way, but I can't help it. I want my kids to enjoy the fireworks, so I don't want to be the grouch about it. I don't know why it is that I feel that way....well I have to go for now...more later.

Today is a better day

Well I am sitting here thinking that today is a better day. I was really having a rough day on Thursday, and I know that there was a lot that played into it. It just seems as though one thing piles on another and another and another. I am sure that we all know how that goes. If it's not one thing it's another, and if you don't deal with the one thing first then you just get overwhelmed, and that was me on Thursday. Today is Saturday though, and it is a better day.

I know that one of the things that is bothering me the most is the fact that my mom is living with me right now, and that can be rather annoying on certain days. I love my mom to death, I really do, but the deal was that she would move here with us until she found a job, that was in December, and it's July already. I seriously think that it is time for her to move out. I love having her here with us in Illinois, but I am ready to have my house back. So that is one thing that is bothering me.

Another thing that is bothering me is that our Church is in such a place of contentness (not sure if that is a word or not, but it is now.) They are just fine with the way that everything is and that is just not right. It's almost like they don't want to grow anymore for the Lord and they are OK with where everything is. What's that saying...us 4 and no more? I would liken some of the people like that. Don't bring in any new people, we like it just the way it is. I just know that we can do so much more for the cause of Christ and we aren't doing anything. It just doesn't seem right. I want our Youth Department to grow, and I want to see more teens in there. I want to see more young people in our younger kids. I want to have a kids club, and be able to do things with the younger kids. I guess overall I really want to have a bigger Church. One that is on fire for the Lord and that they are willing to do things for the Lord because they want to not because they have too. I am not saying that everyone in our Church is like that, but I bet it is more than half that are. I also want to be somewhere where I don't get yelled at, and where the philosophy is CHILDREN ARE TO BE SEE AND NOT HEARD. What is that about?? I just know that I didn't have kids so that people can see how cute they are (and I must say they are pretty adorable), but they are never supposed to be heard. Nope not to sure that I like that.

I just have to take a minute to brag on my husband. He is the most wonderful man in the world and I love him with all my heart!! He brings me so much joy. When I am discouargaed with things at Church he is always there to tell me that everything will be alright and that God is a loving God, (yet He is also a jealous God) and that the Lord will guide us through this trial. He is a blessing to me on a daily basis. He may not even know what a blessing he is to me, and maybe I don't tell him enough. He knows that I love him, but I don't think that he knows that he is one of the biggest blessings in my life!! He has given me 2 beautiful children (3 actually, although the third one is in Heaven), a roof over my head, food to eat, and above all, he is willing to go to work daily to provide for our family so that I don't have to go to work and I can stay home and take care of the kids. He determined right when we got married that I wouldn't have to work, and he has made it that way ever since. He is an AMAZING man!! I not only love him with all my heart, but I admire him with everythin.g that I have. He has been through so much and through it all he still continues with the best attitude, because he knows that the Lord will see him through. He is just above all the love of my life.

So those are two of the things that were bothering me the other night, and I really do feel better today. Even though neither of those two things have changed, I feel better knowing that the Lord is in control and that He will guide me through these trials. I don't know why it is that we are allowed to go through trials, but I guess it is because the Lord wants us to learn from them, and grow the right way. I know that we will always have trials, and I really don't like that. I do want to learn from them though and I want to do what is right and what the Lord would have me do.

Why do we have sad days????

So I was sitting here at my computer tonight, and I have to say that I have a very heavy heart. Usually writing helps me, so I thought I would jot a few things down, and maybe that will help me. I am not to sure why it is that I have such a heavy heart tonight, but I do. There are so many things that seem to be bothering me, and I can't pinpoint one thing...does that make sense?? Don't know what it is. I guess I just feel as though I can't accomplish anything, and yet I know that's not true. Do you ever just feel that there are days where you simply don't measure up? I guess that is the kind of day that I am having right now. I really don't know how to fix it, except for to offer it up to the Lord, and know that He will help me through this trial, and know that tomorrow is a new day. I sure hope it's a better day, Friday's HAVE to be better....don't they????

I know it's been a while....

OK so I realize that it has been a while since I last posted...sorry. We have been busy around here. We were on vacation for just about 2 weeks, and let me tell you....VACATION STUNK!!!! As much as I was looking forward to it, it was horrible. I really didn't have a good time and in a lot of ways I feel as though we wasted a lot of money going on vacation. We went to El Paso, which is where we are originally from, for our Church's 50th anniversary. As far as that was concerned, we had a great time with the people from the Church, and Chris got to Preach there, which I must say that he did an EXCELLENT job!! So as far as that was concerned we had a great time with that, it was everything else that wasn't good. I have never felt more un-welcomed in my whole life as I did this trip going back "home." I can't help but wonder...if we wouldn't want God to treat us that way, why do we treat others that way?? It was very hurtful being treated the way that we were, and I can pretty much say that I am done going back there for a while. As much as I will miss seeing the people in the Church there, I am not going back, unless an emergency should arise. So as much as I was looking forward to going on vacation, I am not so glad that we were gone. Yes, it was nice to get away, and as far as that's concerned, that was nice, but vacation wasn't all I thought it was going to be, that's for sure.

When we got home we hit the ground running, and began fund-raising for our teens to go to Youth Conference. We are planning on taking them in the month of August to Kentucky, and we have to raise money to get there. So far we aren't doing the best. We know that if the Lord wants us to go there, then we will be able to raise the money. We are going to have a car wash on the 22nd of July, and hopefully we will raise some good money there. It's been rough, businesses aren't to interested in helping us this year. It's all in the Lord's hands and we know that it will all work out, some way, some how.

My hubby is sick right now...Dr. thinks it is his gallbladder. He is in a lot of pain, so hopefully we will find out what it is soon, and he can get it taken care of. We are waiting to hear back from the Dr. sometime today hopefully. I feel so bad for him, and I hate to see him sick. So hopefully something will be done soon.

I am a little discouraged right now, and I hate feeling that way. I was reading in Psalms yesterday, and a verse caught my attention: Hear, O Lord, when I cry with my voice: have mercy also upon me, and answer me. (Psalm 27:7). I know that when I talk to the Lord that He hears me, and I know that He will answer me, unfortunately sometimes I have a hard time realizing that the Lord's timing is not my timing. Some things are going on right now in life that I just don't understand, and I have been lifting my prayers and petitions up to the Lord, and I know that He will answer me, I just have to wait on His time. I need to realize that my time is not the Lords time.

Well I guess that is it for me right now. I should be posting more regularly now that we are home and some what back into the routine of life. So that's all right now. :)